PhilMMÜG, the Philippine Macintosh Morality Über Guardians, in staunch support for British Telecoms’ claim that every hyperlink technology used on the Internet is its intellectual property and therefore subject to a licensing fee, devotedly commenced weeding out URLs in their holy message boards, starting out with those desecrating immoral links. Despite the fact that 82 year-old programmer Bob Bemer’s claims that his creation of escape invalidates British Telecom’s hyperlink patent, His Eminence, Reverend Kenny, launched a crackdown today and dutifully kicked out one illicit URL. In a proud statement, Reverend Kenny declared, “There are now only 299,999,999 hyperlinks that we have to watch out for.”

While the initial banishment of one link, which would have purportedly caused local Macintosh distributors and resellers to lose an estimated 50 billion pesos annually, Reverend Kenny warned that this is only the beginning of PhilMMÜG’s fight to stop piratical hyperlinking. “We will pursue these underlined nuisance and we will not rest until everyone in our holy boards are free of these temptations,” added the Reverend.

Asked if PhilMMÜG’s sacred board members have a database of these corrupt hyperlinks, the Reverend said that they have hired 200 translators working full-time to ensure that no foreign-language URL that might connote piracy would slip their all-knowing eyes. “You really have to be vigilant about this, you never know if a hyperlink that ends in .ru might actually be in Russia!,” he said.

“We will banish any and all hyperlinks based solely on their home page address, regardless of content. This includes any PhilMMÜG devotee found guilty of promoting these sites. There is no such thing as information, everything is promotion!” the Reverend declared with a wild, comical gesture, catching his breath afterwards. “We are actively promoting hypocritical double standardizing amongst our followers.”

“Our gods from Singapore actively monitor all our communications and image is important!” he explained. “Because we still want to maintain the image of discouraging piracy despite the reality.”

Reverend Kenny added that they are about to go into “Phase II” of the operation, where they are to kick out two hyperlinks in one day, as soon as he deletes all the pirated software from his computers.

@ 18 February 2002, Manila, Philippines